Ok, DanDan at work is hilarious...
And so, I am inspired to start a new thread.
Just Punchlines
I want you to just post the punchline of a joke.
One at a time. Try, if you can, to let someone else post one between your posts.
Ready?
Why, don't you have a vase?
The greatest of all time...
"but I'm afraid not..."
They wear pink angora sweaters.
Where's my tractor.
Rectum?!? Damn near killed 'em.
I played a mulligan
I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw!
I'm a panda...look it up!
35 years old and ya still believe in Leprechauns!
I thought you said King Kong's balls!
I dunno. We never caught one.
Who does he think he is, Jesus Christ? No, Tiger Woods!
The frog is a ventriloquist.
One, she holds the lightbulb and the whole world revolves around her!
Ok, nice shot, Dad. Now can we play some golf?
Well, surprise, surprise, that's not my finger!
No! Wait! It's a trap! There are TWO Wolverines.
Her dog's blind TOO!
Nice Tits, Sister! Where do you want these blinds?
C, ah, N, ah, D, ah!!!
If it gets too hot I just roll down the window.
Yes, that's Freddie the magic puppet. The more you kiss him, the bigger he grows!
Son, from Ann Arbor, Heaven is a local call.
Put it on my bill.
The Red brick.
Two and two before!
A frog in a blender.
Snow Balls!
My brother might me coming the other way
But my computer doesn't have an ASCII.
That's right, Dad! You came home drunk. Puked all over the rug and then passed out.
but when mom tried to take your pants off, you said "Leave me alone, Lady. I'm a married man."
Death...by punto!
Why do you ask, TwoDogsFucking?
..that would make me a Bush fan.
Your dog's behind on his heartworm pills. Call the vet. Your daughter's got syphilis. Call a docter. Your wife is pregnant. It is not your's. Call a lawyer. And if you don't stop whacking off, your tennis elbow is never going to clear up.
Great...go screw yourself!
Fuck WHOM! (it's the object case)
Admit it Frank. You don't come here for the hunting, do you?
Oh Great! Some asshole's got my pen.
No, I was talking about my turtle, Snappy the Snapper. But I like the way you think!
She opens the car door.
Because Ohio Sucks!
Silly, we'll go at night!
Is it....Moosecock??
Why the long face??
White man...you gonna die??
If I'm going to gargle that holy water I want to do it before Jennifer puts her ass in it.
Royal flush beats two pair, no matter how big they are.
It was hit the ball, drag Fred...hit the ball, drag Fred.
Then add a few potatoes.
(invoking the 'nobody's posted for two weeks' priviledge, that I just made up.)
Welcome to Jamaica, man, Have a Nice Day.
I got some hand cream
We needed the eggs.
A stick
and such small portions!
Ok, I'll taste the soup. Where's the spoon?
Ah - hah!
Well, see, momma was on the roof...
Mother! Put down that stone!
Orange you glad I didn't say 'banana' again.
Well, well, well.
The Texan stood up, yelled "Remember the Alamo" and threw the Mexican out.
I don't know? Third Base!
PerARRRHHHHHroni!
...I'm a zit, get it?
Don't cry...
You ARE a very rich woman...
They dribble before they shoot
Oooooo..... you're not going to like Thursdays.
Good Luck Mr. Gorsky!
People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.
You got any grapes?
So three left
To err is Truman!
You'd poke your eye out!
Ok, subtract that.
If it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan.
Hell, I ain't never heard of nothing like that before.
Because a Michigan fan doesn't piss on his hands!
You get mono from snatching a kiss.
Burger King forgot to wrap his whopper.
Watson, you idiot! Somebody stole our tent!
Is the bartender here?
Let's let John Kerry decide!
A big hairy bird with fuzzy pink feet.
A woman!
halloweenies
Did it hurt? He never wrote, he never called, he never stopped by...
Women say "Oh my God!"
Michigan by 13 1/2
Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.
I gave the bear suit to my dad. He said that he had the night of his life.
He needed the money!
That's like invading Mexico in response to Pearl Harbor.
The drag race.
Duh! Can you SEE Florida?
One dragon on the ground.
Wheel Barrels!
Art!
OK, now what?
Ilene!
Seymour!
Cliff!
Irene!
Niel!
Ooops, the one above should read, "Neil!"
Russel!
Bob!
Skip!
Matt!
up his sleevies!
One egg is an oeuf
Pay him for the pizza!
Do you want fries with that?
She is a very slow reader.
Son, I told you that horse can't see.
Oh! It's too late for you. You already got the neck and gizzard.
I don't know but I stepped on a duck.
At least this way, they will come visit me twice a week.
Sorry about that. Your brother wanted to borrow the truck.
You take your foot off his head.
And then she voted...
And a few years later, he voted...
And then they all voted...
One is a scum-sucking bottom dweller and the other is a fish.
But, by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I was able to shove everything back inside from where it came.
I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist.
"Really?," said St. Peter. "Ohio State must have beaten Michigan."
Professional Courtesy!
Tripod!
Do I have to take another breathalyzer?
You guys should really get your act together...Three days ago, you take my license away and today you want to see it.
I can't work in the dark.
I saw him putting another hickory nut on the log.
Arrrr... It's driving me nuts
With a Blue Elephant Gun
Hold it's nose until it turns blue, then use the Blue Elephant Gun.
What the heck did the chicken do?
Write that down Mary; it's better than Clyde!
There is no such thing as a green elephant.
Poopstain!
You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon.
Sir, I believe it's pronounced "Quiche"
Apple pie a la mode and coffee
Oh, Look! A talking dog!
HAS ANYBODY SEEN....a ham?
"Here come the elephants charging over the hill!"
Nothing. He didn't recognize them.
Because I just bit my lip!
So I went outside and I spit on him!
None. They just declare darkness is the standard.
Oh! Look at all those grapes. (She was colorblind.)
Liquor in the front, poker in the rear!
And that is why the angel is atop the tree today.
Sir, the DNA tests came back as the Vice President, but the handwriting is your wife's.
A grape is purple!
Because white ones get too dirty!
With fronds like these, who needs anemones?
Are you guys on the same team?
Hello, Bucky Goldstein Here!
Because their tennis shoes are too tight!
From playing marbles.
He punched him in the nose and broke his finger!
He punched him in the nose and broke his finger!
From jumping out of trees.
Jump around on it for a while and if you get any wine, it's a grape.
Moo
I made you say "underwear"!
About $3.50
The monkey just sat there, staring.
Her panties.
by the ears.
a 7 and 7 silly.
a melted penguin
a newspaper
an embarrassed zebra
His brother is a doctor
a pregnant nun
the priest responsible
You have a drink named Steve?
Decemberrrrrr! (contributed by Fischer)
You probably should pet him first.
You cooked up the screwing.
In honor of Johnny Carson, "I bet that straightens your putter out!"
Alright! I'll show you one more time!
Simultaneous Headaches!
My friend is out there picking watermelons.
He gave me a ten inch pianist.
For a nickel, I will
That's a pretty big word for a 12 year old.
So you can rest your drink.
flat as a board and easy to screw.
One of these days I'm really going to let you teach him a lesson.
Put a windshield in front of them
So the bear picked up the rabbit and wiped himself.
If there are two things I can't stand - it's the smell of burning rubber and the sound of a screaming woman.
Tulips on your organ.
"By the way," said the blonde, "it wasn't a Porch, it was a Lexus."
If you're goin' to be impotent, you gotta dress impotent!
I understand. We aren't welcome at the Home Depot any more either.*
* from Playboy which arrived yesterday
for about 15 minutes
What I wanted you to do was to give Elmo to test tickles.
TWO
Oh no! That's not my Antony! He never lickedty-split.
Who cares?
Simultaneous Headaches
I'll tell you tomorrow.
In...
Out...
In...
He kept saying "one the one hand... but on the other hand"
Doing the dishes
I don't know. I'm going swimming.
Peaches!
Slippers!
They both irritate Bush!
Yeah, I'm positive.
Nothing. It just waved.
They fall through the holes in his hands.
(a little easter humor)
For you, Buck an Ear
It's called New Jersey
smiles - because there is a mile between the two 's's.
He was afraid that he would get a long sentence.
Gotta Book!
DididiDEE! DiDiDee DiDiDIDEEE! di didi Di DEE!
Praise the Lord!
AAAARRRRuba
You guys wanna ride bikes?!
What did you teach?
Get in the hole!!!!
Fish
I'll do anything once.
He couldn't control his pupils.
Now he is a bronze fish.
Croaka-Cola (provided by Fischer who also reminded me of the previous line which we learned watching SpongeBob do standup.)
Fish
It was his lunch money.
Around 2000 years ago, some guy was buried in this region and he came back to life - I can't take that chance.
When you've lost all your marbles, you're ready.
They're not tits. They're PECS!
I saw the third guy carrying pineapples.
You're hiding, naked, inside a refrigerator...
Gifted
To the doc(k)
Lollihop
Don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there too!
Oh my god! Schwartz is dead!
I understand that, but I thought that I would have exclusive drilling rights!
Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!
What do you mean $200!?
I'm not intimidated by you or your talking money.
Didja get yer deer?
And the camel said, "whew"
And the dog said, "well, i never had $5 before"
Well, that's still a microwave.
It's obvious who the best man is.
Rub 'em with toilet paper. It worked on your ass.
$20. Same as in town.
Oh, don't worry about me. I'll just sit here. In the dark. Alone.
They both have curds in their whey. (Kurds/way)
Punk Buckeye Kills Family Pet
First, assume we have a can opener.
If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.
I don't want to be around when you turn into a butterfly.
No pun in ten did.
John Travolta was very good, but I have come to expect that.
I think it Adam's underwear.
There's got to be a pony in here somewhere.
Multi-pliers
Ancient Chinese secret, huh?
Don't forget the soda!
Put sand in the Vaseline.
They go batty.
(K.T. is having Tracy buy drink pouches with riddles...and you get to play along.
His breath.
a towel.
Swiss Cheese
That ain't chocolate.
How's the weather up there?
I had an itch up my ass.
Don't worry dear. They're Canadian.
Moo!
You know, Sand People
You're letting too much light in!
A knight gown
so you can hear her coming
Her coach was a pumpkin.
Today, I didn't do it.
Make yourself another cat.